do you believe in the concept of karma?

as much as i want to think it exists, i don't. to me, i think, it's a delusional concept thought up by ones who wish revenge upon someone who they think have wronged them, but don't have the power to do so.

if you want your revenge, go out and get it i find it highly ironic that after i've left and dropped the business course for good, that i start taking a fucking interest in economics. jesus. its pretty much what they say i guess. when you're forced to do something, you probably won't learn to like it, but leave you alone, and you might find an interest in what you previously did not like......

(the sentence structure is a bit wonky but i hope i got my message through whoops sorry) i just read a fanfiction that i could really relate with and as a result i don't feel completely mentally stable right now sob. cried my eyes out at multiple times during the story :'). it was an eruri fic and the part i really related to was levi pushing all his friends (and his lover) away with harsh words because of his inability to commit. i really, really understood that, because every few months or so (we're talking about 5-6 months here) i end up pushing friends away and pretending that's okay and just drifting away to spend time with other friends.

i'm aware it's not healthy.
but i don't have the strength to go see a therapist. partially also because i'm worried about the fees, and i really don't want my mom to spend more on me than she already has.

am i really gonna keep drifting through life like this i dont know

the fic in question is "Four Years Later". i might be going a little mad really want to get my life back together. lets start by working out, making an effort to talk to people, swimming; resolutions don't necessarily always need to be at the start of the year. i'll do this. i will. please let me do this. some say it doesn't really exist- cyberbullying, that is. you can just block the pest, shut down your computer, close your blog, deactivate your accounts, so on and so forth. but what people don't remember is that behind every online account is a real person that may actually be able to affect your real life.

the most direct way these people can harm you is emotionally. say an anon sends you a message on ask.fm, or on tumblr, or wherever else they may be able to conceal their identity. you open the message and receive what you believe to be unwarranted hate. you're not so strong, and although you block the IP address and delete the message, the deed has been done, and now your mood, and possibly your self esteem, has been affected.

the second way is if you're dealing with someone you unfortunately know irl. then they do actually hold the power to affect you both online and offline, whether through spreading rumours and one-sided stories, or twisting things you've said online to their benefit.

i don't like the term "cyberbullying". it sounds asinine and immature, but i suppose i don't really have another word to describe it. it's not a "one size fits all" kind of situation - different people are suicidal for a variety of reasons, i think adaptation is pretty important. whenever i see a post on how "everyone will miss you!!!", "you're selfish, not thinking of the people who love you", it kinda ticks me off bc look, not everyone is fortunate to have people who love them. which is probably why they're suicidal in the first place. simply put, don't assume anything.